Thursday, May 20, 2010
Ella often tells us she is happy and sad. She is happy that Audrey is in Heaven and her heart is fixed, but she is sad that she can't play with her. She also has asked a lot about why McKenzie is not here (I used to babysit...that's our girl and we miss her!). But with all the changes that have taken place, we have also been blessed with new neighbors on either side of us. One family has three little girls, and just today a family is moving in on the other side with another sweet girl who has been playing with Ella all morning.
The girl Ella is playing with today said to Chad, "She said her sister died." Chad told her "yes, she died last week." The girl said, "Was she 1?" Chad said, "No she was 4 days old." Girl, "Does she pray for her?"
We love to hear how Ella is expressing her understanding of all this, it is just another added blessing! She often puts into words and shares with others what we are feeling in our hearts.
Ella told Jude yesterday, "Jesus fixed Audrey's heart but now she has to be in Heaven, and..but we put her body in the ground."
Have I mentioned we love girls?!?
No, nothing will ever fill that hole we feel in our hearts for Audrey. And I know I will always be thinking about what life would have been like with her. Like at Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, I had already started making plans in my head. Or next year when she would have turned one, what would she have looked like? What would her voice have sounded like? That pain will never leave me, but at the same time the peace I have is beyond my ability to fathom. I remember praying every day, even several times a day, "Lord, please allow Audrey to be part of our family." I thought He had answered that with "No." But I was wrong, he did allow her to be part of our family for 4 days. And that is more than most families get with the same diagnosis.
That is not much time you say? Well look at it this way, One day with the Lord is like 1000 years. Before Audrey's first day is over in heaven she will welcome us there, she is waiting for us!
Heaven knows no time. So even if someone lives to be 100 here on Earth, compared to eternity, it is not much different than 4 days!!!
Even that being said, I will never understand all of it this side of Heaven. But what I do know is Heaven is so much more real and sweeter to me now.
I'm ready to go.
I love the words to Steven Curtis Chapman's song:
This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you
And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
Cause now you're home
And now you're free
We have this hope as an anchor
Cause we believe that everything
God promises us is true
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
Looking forward to Heaven with Hope,