Saturday, May 22, 2010
"People say that I am brave, but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging on" -Selah
That is a good way to say what the last few days have been like. I try to keep busy (as much as my leg will let me!) and keep my mind occupied with plans for our trip. But still there in the back of my mind, as it will always be, is the reminder of my precious daughter who I miss so terribly I can't stand it sometimes.
Then there are those times where it is so unreal I feel like I am in this dream ... this nightmare. I think back to a month ago when we still did not know what outcome we would be faced with, my hopes for a lifetime with our sweet Audrey. Looking back, would we have changed our decision not to have the amniocentesis? Would we have wanted to know?
I would not have changed a thing. Not only because at the time we felt that is how God was leading us, but also because we had 4 sweet, precious, life-changing days with our daughter. Most babies with this diagnosis do not live an entire day, but because she came early and because we did not have previous testing, she was immediately put on a ventilator after she was born.
So....yes, this meant we had to make the grueling, heart-breaking decision that I believe no parent should have to face, that being when to take her off the ventilator. But that is my human side talking. God would not have left us with that to face if He did not think His perfect plan was the best.
I still struggle with her lifeless body laying in the ground, and not knowing enough about Heaven to know what she might be doing right now. Or even what she looks like! And I will always struggle with those things until God calls me home. However, one thing I realized is that her beautiful little body WILL RISE!!! And yes, I knew this, I've grown up with these truths from the Bible, but it was just something that didn't really occur to me over the past 2 weeks until yesterday. When Christ returns to take us Home, those who are dead in Christ will rise first! It makes me want to spend every waking moment at her grave so that I am there when this happens! =)
And I hope it happens today!!!
One last thing, I came across something I saved on my computer from 2 years ago when some dear friends had to face the awful experience of losing a child. Their 4-month-old was taken to Glory in his sleep. Here is what her husband said:
Standing in the hospital room, holding Kelan, his lifeless son, Aaron said to his dad, "I can't believe how much God loves me. I love Kelan so much and I know God loves me more than this, and this is deep...this is wide. I don't know how God can love more than this but I know He does."
Kendra's last line in an email she wrote to me was this: "I am so lifted in prayer that I feel much stronger than some people think I should be."
Please continue to hold us up in prayer!
p.s. We will be suffering through a week and a half of Disney World so I will not be writing again until June 3-ish.