Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Don't know what to say?


In this journey called "Grief" I have found that you start to feel very alone at the oddest times.  For example, when I am surrounded by people is often when my situation seems so insignificant.  Before I go further, I want to stress that my friends and family have been remarkable in the ways they have helped our family, prayed for us, and helped us around the house.  And they continue to be a blessing to us.  Yet there have still been times when I have felt alone, when people have moved on but I'm not ready!!!

I will never Move On.
But I WILL continue on with my life as it is now.
There will be Peace ... through God's plans, not mine.
And I will find Joy, through His love and His grace.

Anyone who has a new child join their family knows that life changes from the moment that sweet little blessing is born.  Ours changed too, but in different ways that it changed when Ella was born.  Ella changed our lives by causing us lack of sleep, uncertainty about how to care for her, and love beyond our wildest imagination.  We counted her ten tiny toes, and her ten tiny fingers.  We talked about who she looked like. The things everyone does the first time they see their baby.

When Audrey was born that unexplainable love came over us again!   We counted ten tiny toes, and ten tiny fingers.  We talked about how much she looked like Ella, how her nose looked like Ella's.  How she slept with her hand under her face ... just like Ella.  But we also have had lack of sleep and uncertainty now about how to live without her by our sides.  The changes are so similar, yet so different.

What do you think? Similar noses?  And look at the hands! =)

That brings me back to the idea of Moving On.  I do not like that phrase, so we have chosen to refer to it as continuing with life as it is now.  And life to us now is that Audrey is and will always be a part of our family.

She just lives somewhere else.

I cannot imagine it.  Let me tell you, people on this Earth have imagined some pretty wild and crazy things that are well beyond what my mind thinks of.  We see it all the time on TV, in movies, and in books.  For some reason the author Stephen King comes to mind, although I have never read his books and I am not suggesting or advertising them.  I have heard people talk about the things he comes up with in these books, but even he has never imagined Heaven.  Even someone who would say they have been to Heaven cannot truly tell us about it.  Do you suppose our English language would even be able to describe it?  I don't think so!

HEAVEN....the Bible says nobody is able to imagine it!  

I would say that also means the writers of the Bible, the ones who wrote about Heaven, who were inspired by the Holy Spirit when they wrote it ... even they could not comprehend it!

1 Corinthians 2:9  "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard.  Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Audrey is still a part of us.  Like I have said before, I have the privilege of being Audrey's mother just like I am Ella's.  And Audrey's time with me was much shorter, but she will always be my daughter.

I know everyone is different, and we have to consider that when we are trying to help people.  But I have heard many mothers say the same thing I would say, and that is to talk about our children who are not with us.  Don't be afraid to bring Audrey up just because she is not here.  Yes, it might make me cry, it might even make you cry.  But crying is OK!  Just like we would talk about our children that God has left in our care, we want to talk about the children that God now has in His care too.

Talking about sadness is hard, I know that.  But I think we tend to live our lives trying to avoid sadness all together, and that is why people find it hard to talk about death, especially when it concerns a little baby.  But that is not all, we are in the middle of a war where young men and women are still dying so that we can be free and live our safe lives here in the United States of America.  But do we talk about it? Not much!  Do we hear about it?  No, of course not.  Let me encourage you to not let the days tick by without remembering these sacrifices.  Most of all, pray for them and their families.  I am talking to myself too, I have not been thinking about them as much as I should either.

I am not asking you to dwell on sadness or never be happy, but do get out of your daily routine and watch for when people are hurting.  Even if they seem to be OK on the outside, they might not be on the inside.  Work on being outward focused.  It will make a difference in their lives and perhaps even in your own!

I want to reiterate that I understand how hard it can be to say something to someone in my situation.  But I just want this to let people know that it is OK to mention our loved one who we had to say good-bye to.  And if all you can say is, "I'm Sorry" or "I'm praying for you," then say that.  You can even say something without taking! A hug says a LOT!!!  A 12-year-old girl did this one morning at church, and it meant everything to me!  I knew why she came back to hug me, even though she did not say a word.  And like someone said, "It was enough said!" It did not need words.

I have a good friend who told me she never wants to say the wrong thing, so I will tell you what I told her.
Do not worry about saying the wrong thing, it means the world to me that you want to say something.  Even if it is not the best way to say it, I need to look at the intentions and realize it was meant to show love and care.

So I would encourage you to Say SOMETHING!

Thank you for listening and letting me be transparent.



  1. Thanks for being honest Becca. I have no clue the depth of loss you feel. I trust that God is walking you through it. It makes me think of that really old poem, "footprints in the sand" although I know it doesn't feel like we are being carried, but I hope some days you do. Hugs your way.

  2. Oh how I agree with this post. It it so hard to be ignored and feel invisable. People don't know how to deal with grief. They don't want to deal with it...so they don't.

    I think that it's wonderful that you are helping to educate people on what to do.


  3. This was such a great post. I love that you are blogging this,and I pray other woman would come here and feel encouraged. You are brave, Becca. I see Jesus in you. And yes - oh my - your daughters look so much alike! Is that a comfort to you? To be able to watch Ella grow and imagine Audrey looking the same if she were here at that age?

  4. I echo everything you said, as you know because we have had many discussions about it. I'm so glad that you are able to put your feelings into words and help others. What Tiffany said about your daughters has been hard for us regarding our sons. We wonder so much how much Kyler and Karsten would look alike. Some sweet day we will know...FOREVER!! Love you!

  5. I see piano hands for sure!! :) Keep blogging...I'm loving being able to read all of your thoughts and feel like I have a much better sense of what you're going through! Love you!

  6. I thought when I met Audrey that she definitely had Ella's sweet little nose, but I see from these pics what you're talking about with the hands as well...so precious!!!

    Thank you for this post and the honesty within it. Another good friend of mine who has been through great loss too has echoed these same thoughts to me. She felt very alone at times and much of it had to do with people not knowing what to say so choosing to say nothing and even avoiding her. She lost friends over a situation that she had no control of and it was (and still is at times) very painful for her. God has blessed her beyond measure in so many ways since then and that, of course, has helped to heal her pain in so many ways as well. Thank you for this reminder to say something!