It is hard to know what one day to the next will be like. Most days are good, we are finding our "new normal" and have started into a new routine. "Moving on" is not a term we like to use, because that is not what we are doing. We are not moving past the life, however short, of our daughter. She has changed us in so many ways that we will never be the same as we were, and she will continue to influence us for as long as we are here.
One day I will feel down, another day I will feel good and stay busy with things that need to be done, and yet the next day I will be so sad that all I can do is cry. And then there are those days that I am angry. I have to admit I have had some of those, and I have asked God a lot of questions like "Why." One of those times, I remember asking God what I had done that was so bad to deserve this.
Yes, I know that is not how it is. I do believe things happen as a direct result of sin sometimes, but I also know that bad things happen simply because we live in a wicked, sinful world. Today while singing in our morning worship service God helped confirm with me that Audrey's death was not because of something I had done.
"Was it for crimes that I have done, He groaned upon the tree."
But there WAS someone who had to die because of me! Jesus, the perfect, sinless, Son of God - died because of me! But not only that, He died FOR me. Because of His immense love for me, so much more than I could ever understand. And he loves Audrey more than I, as her Mother, will ever comprehend as well.
Romans 11:33 O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!
So God has chosen to take Audrey Home to live with Him, and who am I to question that? His plan, His will and His ways are perfect and I may never understand them.
So that brings me to something else I have been thinking about. Another line in the song "I will carry you" says, "I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you." That made me realize that God, who made Audrey according to His perfect plan, chose ME to be the one blessed with her life. It was not a matter of us expecting a child, finding out she had some serious health problems, and her dying. What happened was God formed her, sent her to be with us for a short time, then took her back Home to be with Him. He never planned for her to stay here long, yet I was given the privilege of being her Mother while she was here. He could have found someone else, someone better, someone stronger, but He let me love and care for Audrey. And she will be my daughter for the rest of my life, all because God gave her to me for those 7 months, and 4 days.
What an amazing thought!!!
Finally, I would like to ask for your prayers for a little 4-month-old girl named Layla, who lives in Florida. She has been diagnosed with a serious condition called Lissencephaly, "smooth brain," which is the lack of wrinkles and folds in the brain. Please keep this little girl and her family in your prayers!
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, the continued support means more to me than I will ever be able to explain. And I know many are still praying, God has continued to answer those prayers with amazing strength.
Looking for that blessed day!