The thoughts of a month ago went through my mind right after lunch today (as they have been a lot yesterday and today). Thoughts of those moments in the room with Audrey's doctors, hearing the dreaded news. And today when these thoughts were going through my head I glanced at the clock and it was 12:35. At 12:30 that Friday a month ago, we had just left for the Children's Hospital to find the doctor and it was probably 12:35 when we ran into him in the hallway.
Some things will always be as real to me as if they happened today, but I'm thankful for that too because it helps me remember Audrey. I want to remember her. She is as much a part of me as Ella is, and my life has been changed because of the privilege I had to have her in my life. From the moment she was created, God made her for Himself. Yet he was willing to share her with us for 4 days. He has given us Ella also, and we have had the joy of having her for almost 4 years. But there are no guarantees.
It is my desire that Audrey's life be used to share the gospel with people, and most of all I hope it gives me the opportunity to share Jesus with Ella. What better way to introduce Ella to Christ than telling her about how she can get to Heaven to see Audrey again. I hope that when the time is right for Ella to understand all of this that she will give her life to Christ.
We have begun the official start to getting into our routine here at home, and finding our new normal. I say that because things will not go back to normal for us. That is not possible, we are not the same and things are not the same as a month ago. But we can find joy and purpose in our life now in spite of not having our second child to care for, to hold in our arms.
I have often thought of the things I wanted to do with Audrey, and how I won't get to do this or that. But then I remind myself that Audrey would not want to be back here, even to do those things! Even though I am her Mommy, she has seen Christ and knows the pure and complete JOY of Heaven! How amazing is that?! It is hard for me to understand, and I still have so many questions I want answered. What does she look like now? Many times a day I wonder what she might be doing, I want to know who she has met. But most of all, she has met God, our maker and creator!
I know we have work to do here on Earth, otherwise the Lord would have taken us Home. But I cannot help but long for the day when we will be in Heaven and reunited with our loved ones. Yes, I will still find joy and I will have fun with the life God has given me while I am here. But my entire perspective has changed. We are to live for Heaven, and I would not have asked to learn it this way, but it is through my daughter going to Heaven that I have become so much more ready for the day when Jesus calls us Home!
We are still needing your prayers!