Nights are often hard. Maybe because I am tired and worn out from the day. Or possibly because I have kept my mind busy all day and when I go to bed is when I articulate things in my head. I think of Audrey all the time, but it seems to be harder when details start playing out in my mind. Things I wish I could have or would have done, or things I regret.
One thing I will never be able to change is that I did not have a blanket to cover Audrey with ... to tuck her in ... to keep her warm ... before they closed the casket. I will never forget my hesitation, my yearn to say "STOP, WAIT!" Maybe I could have grabbed a blanket to put over her. Why, oh WHY didn't I do this one little thing?!?!? I really struggle with this.
Then I wake up the next morning and have a renewed sense of JOY in my heart. It still hurts, and it always will, that I didn't do this one simple thing. Oh I know it doesn't really matter. She is with Christ and is perfect. Her heart is healed, she has no problems with her body now, and she will forever and ever be safe with Jesus. But I am still human, and sometimes feelings take over.
"What kind of Mother are you to forget something like this???" I can just hear him saying...
Do you suppose it is the Devil lurking into my mind??? I do! I really do! I think he will use any and every way he can find to get me to start thinking about regrets, about what I miss, about how my heart aches for Audrey. Don't get me wrong, as long as I am here and separated from my daughter I will always have an ache for her, a desire to hold her and talk to her. But I think the devil is pretty pleased when I remain in that state of sadness and depression about what I am going through. It is hard ... excruciating at times ... but nothing I cannot handle without God by my side. And when I allow Him, the Lord Jesus, to be the focus of my thoughts, then and only then do I find the peace and joy that comes in the morning.
I pray the Lord will help me keep my focus on Him and the promises in His Word.
1 Peter 1:6-7 "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need by, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it be tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ."