I am Happy Sad today.
How blessed we have been by so many remembering that today was Audrey's due date. It is another one of those days where we should be a mess, not able to catch our next breath. But instead, it is a day where Chad and I have been filled with God's grace. As we were driving to the cemetery this morning this phrase came to my mind,
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God cannot keep you.
We are thankful that His Grace is keeping us looking up and rejoicing in the time we had with Audrey. We had planned on today...or someday close to today...but God had other plans. And His ways are so much higher than mine.
I wrote something to Audrey, and since she will never get to read it I thought I'd share it with you.
July 13, 2010
You were due today! Nine months ago I sent your Daddy a text while he was at a class at work to tell him you were on the way. I could not stop smiling. Back then, just a short time ago, life was so different than it is now. Seemingly so care-free. I would not trade my time with you for a thousand care-free days, but oh, how things have changed!
We knew there were some complications, but we didn't know we were going to have to tell you good-bye so soon until May 7, 2010, the day after you were born. And, sweet girl, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had so many plans for you, I wanted to take you shopping, dress you in all of Ella's pretty dresses [plus a few of your own], sing songs with you, rock you when you couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, take you to Sunday School ... just show you everything about life as I know it. I love my life here with your Daddy and Sister, and I couldn't wait to share it with you.
But God had other plans, you were never meant to stay here with us. God created you with the purpose of taking you to heaven to be with Him soon after you were born. He let us meet you and love on you, and for that I am so thankful. And I did get to do things with you. I sang to you, told you about your big sister -- she is SO proud of you!!, rocked you, kissed you every chance I had, and sat for hours just holding your hand. Thank you for letting me know that you knew who I was in your small ways. For squeezing my finger and "perking up" when I would touch you or talk to you. That meant everything to me!
Do you know how beautiful you were? Your nose looked like Ella's and you had the sweetest face and head full of dark hair. By today, if you had made it to your due date, I can only imagine how much hair you would have had! As pretty as you were here, I wonder how you must look now!!!
Ella loves you so much and she misses you too. I hope she can soon understand Jesus, what He did for us, and that she will one day trust Him as her Savior. It is even hard for me to understand that you are there with Jesus, but I know you are. You can see JESUS!!! That is a comfort to me.
I am sitting here at your grave. You were not supposed to be born yet, but instead I am missing you with an ache I cannot understand, and sometimes cannot handle. But Jesus is holding me, just like He is holding you. I am so thankful for His love for us.
I think about how different things would have been today if you were still with us. We would have an infant carrier in the car. Your room would contain a crib and changing table instead of a curio cabinet with memories of you. We would be lacking sleep because of you being up at night, but instead it is because we miss you so badly that sometimes we cannot sleep. Your cries would be filling our house. The laundry would be over-flowing. We would have you in our arms.
But then I look back at what Jesus has taught me already and how much closer I've become to Him. Yes, I would rather have you here, and I will always feel that way, but I know and love Jesus more because of you, and you know Jesus completely now! My darling baby, I have realized that the closer I come to Jesus, the closer I am to you.
I wonder what you look like, what you are doing throughout the day, and how awesome it must be to praise God there in His presence. The thought of heaven is so sweet to me and I am ready to join you! Like I told you the day you died, "Tell Jesus we are all ready to go, so please come get us soon." And I continue to tell Him that often. My heart aches to see you and hold you again, and I am eager to get to the place where Jesus is all I want to see. And that will be exactly how I feel when I am finally with you again.
You mean the world to me, these words just aren't enough.
I love you,