I realize I have not written in a while, I have not had any great thoughts to write down. A lot of the past month seems to be a blur, and it has definitely been a struggle. This was the first I have had nothing going on, and nothing to anticipate; it was when I thought I would just get back into my routine.
That is far from what has happened. Suddenly the idea of a routine brought the reality of what is missing. I have time to get lots done but I haven't been able to do any of them. I cannot remember things or stay focused on what needs to get done. I go to bed, wake up in the middle of the night and stay up for an hour, maybe two, then go back to bed and can't get up early enough to get done what I want to get done. Normally I am a person of lists, crossing off projects as I finish them. Lately, my list has consisted of the necessities and by the time they are done I am exhausted.
I am excited to get out and do things, and when I get there it is all I can do to be around all those people. I read this week about a woman who loved being in church but the happy camaraderie around her, in the midst of her deep sorrow for the one she so desperately missed, was almost more than she could bear.
I can relate.
I keep hearing people talk about wanting time to themselves, away from their kids. How absurd.
I wake up feeling OK, sometimes even good, and partway through the day I am tired, frustrated, irritated, or just scatterbrained and the day seems to be wasted.
The one thing I can focus on is studying the Bible, and that is a good thing. I am learning more about God and more about trusting His ways and not mine. But sometimes I want so badly for my life to get back to a routine, something expected, to get my mind on to new joys of life. So often, no matter how hard I try, I am reminded of that sweet little girl who would have been 4 months old yesterday, but the baby carrier I see does not have her in it.
Ella had her 4-year pictures taken last week. Sitting there I realized they would have been getting pictures taken together.
I guess this is what they call grief. I do not mean to complain, for some reason God has brought this to me so that I can move closer to Him. He has given me this gigantic trial so He can teach me something, so I can help someone else, so I can learn to trust Him more.
Yes, I know all that. But it will never take away the sorrow or the pain of a daughter for whom I had so many hopes and dreams. Where she lives is simply amazing and uncomprehendable. Yes, that is just it....I cannot comprehend it. And to try to understand God and His ways is like trying to .... well it is impossible.
I guess that is where it ends, just quit trying to understand. I apologize for the scatterbrained writing tonight.
Thank you for reading!