Monday, December 20, 2010

Show Me Your Glory, Lord.

A year ago I expected to have a 2nd child present on my 32nd birthday, and then Christmas of 2010.  I had thought about it and had even bought the jammies that would be hers to open on Christmas Eve.  As I ponder the things we would have been doing now, the life I would have had, I get sad that I will never experience her first smile, her first Christmas, or her life as it may have been.  Nor will I have the privilege of introducing her to the people all over who prayed for Audrey and hoped, along wtih us, that God would allow her to stay.

Once in a while I go back and read something from the time right after Audrey's death.  I read those things then, but when I read it now it is like I have never seen those words before, like my mind at the time was interpreting it in a completely different way than its true meaning.

In the pamphlet we printed to hand out at Audrey's memorial service is a poem titled "To My Baby" were these words:

Is it proper to cry
For a baby to small
For a coffin?
Yes, I think it is.
Does Jesus have
My too-small baby
In His tender arms?
Yes, I think He does.
There is so much I do not know
About you - my child -
He, she?  Quiet or resteless?
Will I recognize
Someone I knew so little about,
Yet loved so much?
Yes, I think I will.
Ah, sweet small child
Can I say
That loving you is like loving God?
Loving - yet not seeing,
Holding - yet not touching,
Caressing - yet separated by the chasm of
No tombstone marks your sojourn,
And only God recorded your name.
The banquet was not cancelled.
Just moved. Just moved.
Yet a tear remains
Where the baby should have been.
-By Bob Neudorf

Just a few days ago I read that poem while I was lying in bed and it finally made sense to me. I can remember my dad giving me the poem to use and I read through it and said "Sure" even though I didn't really understand what it was saying.  (I never have been good at understanding poems to begin with!)
This time it really sunk in.  All these years I have been asking God to "Show me Your glory," or show me who He is, to let me understand Him better, "I want to know You, I want to see Your face."

Well hasn't he done just that for me?  In taking my sweet baby to heaven I have learned more how to love someone I cannot see or hear, someone I cannot touch or feel, someone I know because she was mine yet is such a mystery. 

That is what it is like loving God!  The One who loves me so much He died for me, the One who I have not seen, and cannot hear audibly, the One who I know because He lives in my heart but is still a mystery!  I have been given the awesome privilege to better understand what it means to love God because he gave me a child that does not live in my arms, she only lives in my heart.

And one day I will see Jesus and the mystery will be gone.
That will be the very same day I see Audrey, and I will finally know her completely.

She is celebrating her first Christmas with Jesus.  Never did she hear the stories we tell on earth about what it was like, she is hearing it from the angels who were there!  And she has learned what Jesus did for her when He came to earth that very first Christmas. 

Merry Christmas to you all!