Sunday, January 16, 2011

Honesty

I had not picked up my Bible for a week until last night.  It has been an emotional roller coaster this week and I have to admit I have been asking God "Why?" over and over.  It is so hard for me to understand why He allows things, and for a few days I just wanted some answers.

I know I am not worthy of those answers, and for me to expect them was rather bold.  So I've begun to, once again, put myself under the authority of God, His Word, and His promises.  If someone wrote a book about my life, would it look more like the book of Job where someone would say "Look at all that happened to her, but she never sinned or cursed God!"  Or would they have to sadly say, "She lost faith for a while, she gave up on Him."

On Christmas Eve I told Chad that we were expecting another baby.  I thought I was being cautious and not getting my hopes up, and I certainly had not gone out and bought something right away like I did with my first two pregnancies.  But then I went in to see the doctor and they started checking numbers and levels, and they began to think some numbers were a little low.  Not dangerously low, but lower than usual.  And as more tests were taken, these numbers were not rising as expected.  Not too many days after that God revealed to us that it was not His plan for this child to join our lives here on earth either.

I'm going to admit, I'm still frustrated and a little angry.  To see what goes on in this world, then have to experience certain things can be very hard to understand.

But yesterday I picked up my notes from the Bible Study I just finished called "Holding on to HOPE" by Nancy Guthrie.  Some of what I wrote was from her book and other things were my own thoughts.
Here are some of my notes:

  • We cannot get rid of our pain by sleeping, travelling, eating, drinking, or anything else.  We just have to feel it and it hurts!
  • Job's response to calamity and disaster was Worship!  It was a way of life for Job and he worshipped rather than focusing on his feelings.
  • Job learned how to hold loosely to the gifts God had given him.  And he realized they are gifts -- things God gave us that belong to Him.
  • Job said himself, "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?"
I have pages and pages of notes, but those reminders in the first few pages were a help to me last night.  The road is not easy, and at times I get to a point where I am fearing what will happen next.  Earlier this week I was even scared to find that joy again because it seems like that is when I am blindsided with another test or trial.  But God does not blindside us, even though it seems that way to me.  He sees the beginning, the middle and the end.  I can only see what has happened already, the rest is where I need to Be Still, take His hand to guide me, and know that He is God.  And being remembering every promise He has given me. 

Listening to Steven Curtis Chapman this morning I was asking myself, "Will I continue to say You Are Faithful in every moment of my life?"  Because He is whether or not I admit it, and it is only hurting me when I don't trust in His Faithfulness.  
"Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not, as Thou has been, Thou forever will be!"


Jeremiah 29:11 
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future," says the Lord.


Love,
Becca

6 comments:

  1. Becca, thank you for your openness and honesty through all of this. I am praying for you that you will not be overwhelmed and discouraged by these trials and will continue to be used by Him to encourage others. Pain is pain and it's okay to feel it and natural to question God's plan. Love you!

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  2. Thank you for this....it was such a gift to me. I can't tell you how much I relate to it over the past 3 years. Everytime I get sturdy on my feet I feel like I am blindsided by something else. A BIG something else...

    This really helps!!!

    Hugs,
    Trisha

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  3. Amen, dear daughter, amen.

    We love you.

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  4. Reading your posts encourage me. I know some of the pain you are going through. And the little trials that I am going through right now pale in comparison. It helps me remember that if you and I can make it through what we have been through, then the little stuff that gets thrown our way will be overcome as well. Thank you and hugs being sent your way!! :)

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  5. Amen, Becca! God desires nothing more from us than our love. He continues to work in and through you. However, I know it can be very hard because as a mom you want nothing more than to have Audrey here. I continue to lift you up in prayer. Spring is coming...love you!!

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  6. I'm so sorry Becca. I hope you are doing okay,I know you go to the best Source for peace and understanding. You're in my thoughts and prayers

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