I know I am not worthy of those answers, and for me to expect them was rather bold. So I've begun to, once again, put myself under the authority of God, His Word, and His promises. If someone wrote a book about my life, would it look more like the book of Job where someone would say "Look at all that happened to her, but she never sinned or cursed God!" Or would they have to sadly say, "She lost faith for a while, she gave up on Him."
On Christmas Eve I told Chad that we were expecting another baby. I thought I was being cautious and not getting my hopes up, and I certainly had not gone out and bought something right away like I did with my first two pregnancies. But then I went in to see the doctor and they started checking numbers and levels, and they began to think some numbers were a little low. Not dangerously low, but lower than usual. And as more tests were taken, these numbers were not rising as expected. Not too many days after that God revealed to us that it was not His plan for this child to join our lives here on earth either.
I'm going to admit, I'm still frustrated and a little angry. To see what goes on in this world, then have to experience certain things can be very hard to understand.
But yesterday I picked up my notes from the Bible Study I just finished called "Holding on to HOPE" by Nancy Guthrie. Some of what I wrote was from her book and other things were my own thoughts.
Here are some of my notes:
- We cannot get rid of our pain by sleeping, travelling, eating, drinking, or anything else. We just have to feel it and it hurts!
- Job's response to calamity and disaster was Worship! It was a way of life for Job and he worshipped rather than focusing on his feelings.
- Job learned how to hold loosely to the gifts God had given him. And he realized they are gifts -- things God gave us that belong to Him.
- Job said himself, "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?"
I have pages and pages of notes, but those reminders in the first few pages were a help to me last night. The road is not easy, and at times I get to a point where I am fearing what will happen next. Earlier this week I was even scared to find that joy again because it seems like that is when I am blindsided with another test or trial. But God does not blindside us, even though it seems that way to me. He sees the beginning, the middle and the end. I can only see what has happened already, the rest is where I need to Be Still, take His hand to guide me, and know that He is God. And being remembering every promise He has given me.
Listening to Steven Curtis Chapman this morning I was asking myself, "Will I continue to say You Are Faithful in every moment of my life?" Because He is whether or not I admit it, and it is only hurting me when I don't trust in His Faithfulness.
"Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not, as Thou has been, Thou forever will be!"
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future," says the Lord.